7 Simple Steps For Ending Arguments &
Improving Your Relationship
Neil E. Rand, Ph.D.
When an argument starts, you have two choices:
1. Follow the same script as you and your spouse (or you and your boyfriend/girlfriend or significant other) have followed so many times in the past, and end up with the same unwanted, unsatisfying, and painful results.
– OR –
2. You can choose to do something different in order to create a positive outcome which leads to a satisfying “win-win” situation for both of you.
Arguments occur and don’t get resolved because there are underlying issues which are not being recognized, or expressed, or dealt with. These issues usually are about feelings – feeling you are not being listened to, feeling you are not being considered or understood, not feeling loved or cared about, and feeling you are not being acknowledged for who you truly are. These issues can lead to painful feelings of rejection, hurt, sadness, loss, and feeling alone.
Arguments don’t get resolved because these underlying issues, and the painful emotions they generate within you, are not being addressed or worked out – leaving both of you with hurt feelings. Regardless of who appears to have “won” the argument, you have both lost – because you both walk away feeling hurt, angry, dissatisfied, and other painful emotions.
You can change this pattern by following these 7 helpful steps for resolving any argument:
1. Call for a “time out.” Put up your hands in a letter “T” signaling for a time out and say, “Let’s stop this argument right now because it isn’t working for either of us – and I really don’t want to argue with you any more.”
2. Express the emotions you are feeling. Say to your spouse (or significant other), “What I am feeling right now is hurt, unhappy, and unloved (or whatever painful feelings you are feeling) – and I don’t want to feel this way.” Don’t explain why you are feeling this way or start blaming your spouse for these feelings, for this will simply reignite the argument. Stick to expressing what you are feeling in one or two sentences, and conclude with “And I don’t want to feel this way.”
3. Find out what your spouse is feeling. Without pausing, ask your spouse, “What are you feeling right now?” Then listen without interrupting to your spouse’s expression of what he or she is feeling.
4. Express what you want to feel instead. In a clear and concise fashion, tell your spouse what you really want to be feeling and experiencing at this moment. Say, “What I really want right now is to feel love and caring and peace (or whatever positive feelings you want to feel).”
5. Ask your spouse what he or she wants to be feeling. Without pausing, ask your spouse, “What do you want to feel right now?” Then listen once again without interrupting.
6. Invite your spouse (or significant other) to join you in creating what you both want. Say, “Let’s talk about how we can create what we both really want – and let’s start right now.”
7. Give your spouse a hug or a kiss, or express some other form of affection to reconnect with him or her. Then begin talking about ways you can together create the love, caring, support, and peace you both want to have in your relationship.
One you have performed these 7 steps, you can choose to shift your focus onto resolving the issue that led to the argument. Practice listening to one another, and searching for solutions together, rather than making each other wrong.
After doing these 7 simple steps, you will find it much easier to arrive at solutions which will work for both of you – for you have taken care of the underlying issues which were blocking you and keeping the argument going. You may even find that the issue which seemed so important before now seems minor – because the real underlying issues of love, caring, and support have been resolved to your satisfaction.
Enjoy the peace, the caring, and the love you are learning to create together in this new way!
© Copyright 2009 Neil E. Rand, Ph.D.
DrRand@comcast.net
